One year later....

I wasn't sure how I wanted to handle this.

Yesterday was one year that my dad has been gone. Wow. Doesn't seem real. My mom has been reading and studying a lot lately and she shares a lot with me. Recently she brought me an article about how we should celebrate my dad's life and not his death. So, I was trying really hard on not dwelling on the "one year anniversary" or whatever. But all weekend, my thoughts were going to exactly what I was doing one year ago at this time, one year ago at this moment...all that stuff.

So, I woke up yesterday not sure of how I wanted to feel. Do I get up and try and act like it was just another day? Or do I recognize how I really felt and be sad? Well, my feelings won out and I was sad. It was moment by moment, in the morning, of almost a play by play in my mind of what happened that day. As the day went on, and I got busier, it was almost as if I had had my time and was then ok.

If you would have asked me last year, where do I think I will be now, I don't know how I might have answered. I might have said that surely in a year, things will be easier, better...whatever that word is. But I don't know that it is. It's....different. I do remember in the days that followed his death some words of a family member that had also lost someone, they said...."It doesn't ever get easier" and I was like, uh, how sad. But now I think I know how she feels. It's almost a daily reminder of the fact that God is in control. My tummy still does those flip things when I think of the reality that he's gone. I miss him so much. And I hope, to some degree, that it never goes away.